


Will I Lose My Dignity?

by tinglingworld



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Cancer Arc, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:08:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25192180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinglingworld/pseuds/tinglingworld
Summary: There's no miracle cure for her cancer just plain old medicine. She's going to get worse before maybe getting better and that comes with a very unique set of emotions.
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 10
Kudos: 45





	Will I Lose My Dignity?

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to ‘Will I’ from Rent on the train and somehow got hit with all the emotions. So I started writing this. I urge you to please listen to this song and let it do its thing to you.  
> I know it’s original context is the AIDS crisis, but I do think the sentiment holds true for all kinds of diseases that bring people face to face with their own mortality.  
> I also want to preface this with the fact that I have no personal experience with cancer and I am terribly sorry if I’ve gotten things wrong. Please message me if you feel I’ve absolutely missed the mark.

Her mouth tasted of acid but the taste was only secondary to the searing pain. Her eyes were watering, the spiraling dizziness and ringing in her ears doing the rest to make the room swim together into mere patches of beige and crème color. She wished it would all just disappear into darkness but she wasn’t given the gift of unconsciousness. Instead, her stomach churned again and she may have moaned or whimpered but she wasn’t sure because she was throwing up again. There couldn’t possibly be anything left in her stomach but that didn’t make a difference to the drugs poisoning her body, causing her to gag and splutter and cough until eventually, the beige splotches in her vision did threaten to be taken over by darkness creeping in from the edges.

“Breathe, Dana. Breathe”, a voice said and beneath the pain that inhibited every cell of her body, she felt something suddenly pressed against her face. For a moment she panicked but then a steady stream of air hit her nostrils and her lungs filled with the oxygen they needed.

She breathed deeply, the temporary relief almost heavenly even if only for the shortest moment. If only her mouth didn’t hurt so much. She tried swallowing down the pain but it only got worse. New tears sprang to her eyes and when the oxygen mask was taken from her face she definitely did whimper.

“It’s okay. You’re okay now. Here’s some water. It’ll make your mouth feel better.”

A cup was lifted to her lips and tipped gently. The cool liquid immediately soothed her chapped lips and she opened her mouth to take a sip. It still hurt but the longer she sipped the more the coolness temporarily soothed the worst of the burning.

The cup was eventually taken away as well, replaced by a cool washcloth being run over her flushed cheeks and forehead and then by hands gripping her shoulder and neck and gently guiding her to lay back down. She melted against the pillow weakly. An electrical humming accompanied the moving of the bed’s headpiece and Scully moaned in relief when her body molded against the covers more comfortably.

“Is that okay?”

“Hmm,” she sighed, unable to find the strength to form words.

A gloved hand gently brushed a strand of hair from her face and she forced herself to open her eyes and meet nurse Jackie’s warm brown gaze for a moment.

“I’ll find someone to up your dose of anti-nausea meds and painkillers, Dana. Hopefully they’ll make it possible for you to get some sleep.”

Jackie might be her personal angel. Sadly even angels couldn’t take away the cancer or the effects of the drugs attempting to poison it- and her in the process.

She had closed her eyes again, floating on that plane between wakefulness and sleep, pain prohibiting her from fully entering into either when she sensed another presence at her bedside.

“Scully.”

_Mulder._

His voice fell over her like a warm blanket. She blinked her eyes open once more and this time fought hard to actually focus them. Her gaze fell on his familiar features, distorted by this new seemingly ever-present expression of worry before it locked onto his hazel eyes. Had she felt better she’d have made some sort of joke to replace the worry with one of his boyish smiles, but keeping her eyes open and ignoring the way in which the room kept turning itself upside down already took all the strength she currently possessed.

“Hey partner,” Mulder greeted, sitting down on the nearby chair and reached for her hand. She welcomed the touch. She could almost pretend it soothed the terrible ache in her joints.

“You’re not feeling too great today, are you?”

The understatement of the century.

“I met Jackie outside,” he explained and his expression turned sheepish.

Scully groaned. She was sure Jackie hadn’t told Mulder the gruesome details of her morning but a simple ‘She’s not doing well today’ would be enough. There wasn’t actually any way to pretend otherwise but still. She didn’t want him to witness her like this, to know exactly how weak and helpless this treatment had rendered her. And yet, his presence calmed and comforted her too much to ask him to leave.

The door opened again and Jackie returned with a smile and two syringes.

“Doctor Evans was already on the ward,” she explained her unusually quick return and stepped around Mulder to reach for the IV line that was currently pumping saline into Scully’s veins.

“This should give you some relief,” she continued as she pushed both medications, “But do call if it doesn’t okay?”

Scully attempted a smile and nodded slightly.

Mulder had followed Jackie’s leaving with his eyes and as he turned back to her now, there was hesitation in them.

“Do you want me to leave you to rest?” he asked softly.

“No!”

Her response didn’t come out as intense as she’d thought it, which Scully was grateful for. If only speaking wouldn’t hurt her throat so much. She felt her eyes watering again with the pain. Still, she swallowed heavily and searched Mulder’s eyes.

“Please stay”, she croaked.

She felt him squeeze her hand before he nodded, a tiny smile making an appearance on his beautiful lips.

“Okay. I’ll stay.”

She hummed in relief and let her eyes fall closed again. She could feel the meds taking effect and the slow easing of the pain brought her blissfully closer to the sleep that had evaded her for the past hours as this morning’s radiation treatment had tipped yesterday’s chemo side effects into unbearable. A tiny part of her wanted to stay awake to use the time that Mulder was there but it wasn’t nearly strong enough to fight the pull of unconsciousness and its pain relief.

“I’ll stay if you fall asleep,” Mulder’s voice carried over to her as if through thick clouds. Had he read her mind?

“Sleep, Dana. I’ll stay.”

_Dana_. Something warm touched her cheek. He must’ve kissed it. She wanted to lean into the touch but the darkness was already encompassing her. Unconsciousness finally claiming her, offering her the relief she’d been praying for all day.

…

When she came to, the first thing she noticed was a presence by her bed and a warm hand still holding hers. Mulder had stayed. Scully felt a smile tug at her lips before she even opened her eyes.

“Hey there.” His voice was soft and so were his eyes when she opened hers and met them.

“Hey,” she replied and swallowed carefully, her mouth not exactly burning anymore but still uncomfortably raw. Overall however she felt like a new human in comparison to earlier. She sent a silent thank you to everyone who ever developed a pain medication. The nausea was completely gone. Her body still ached but it was a dull throbbing that she was easily able to tolerate even as she reached for the bed’s remote and moved the headpiece up until she was in a semi-sitting position. Mulder’s hand was still warmly around her right, his fingers rubbing gentle circles into her skin and she already mourned its imminent loss when she asked:

“Could you get me some water?”

“Yeah sure,” he almost beamed and moved to fill the cup that had been left on the nightstand.

Silence settled between them until she was sipping on the water, sighing at the relief the liquid offered her sore mouth.

“Are you feeling a little better then?” Mulder asked, watching her intently.

She felt uncomfortably vulnerable under his intense gaze but nodded in reply, meeting his eyes.

“I’m sorry about earlier. This morning was- rough.”

She almost shivered at the memory of it.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Scully,” he assured her and took the empty cup from her so he could fold his hand back around hers, interlacing their fingers. He was exuding so much calm and the tiniest smile was playing on his lips; Scully felt almost peaceful. Almost, because her traitorous body was sending the frustrating signal that she needed to use the bathroom. She unexpectedly felt tears welling up. Despite feeling vaguely okay right now, it was still highly unlikely she could make it there safely by herself. Momentarily forgetting about the state of her throat, she swallowed heavily against the tears only to wince at the responding pain.

Immediately Mulder’s expression turned worried. The smile was gone, replaced with a tight line, his jaw set.

“Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

Was she okay? No.

Did she need something? Her eyes fell closed, her chest becoming tight as a knot that had nothing to do with the chemo’s side effects formed in her throat.

“I need to use the bathroom”, she eventually whispered, forcing herself to meet his eyes again even as she felt blood rush through her veins almost painfully in embarrassment.

“Okay, alright.”

She watched a little dumbfounded as Mulder stood up and pushed his chair out of the way against the wall before turning back to her and looking up first at the IV pole and then the wall behind it.

“It’s hasn’t got anything connected to a power outlet, has it?” he asked, eyes still on the relative chaos of lines and chords at the side of her bed.

“No, it’s just a gravity drip,” Scully answered slowly, still not entirely caught up to what was happening.

“Okay, good.” He turned to face her again. “How do you want to do this? Can you get up by yourself?”

It felt like she was staring at him in shock for several minutes but his lack of reaction told her it could only have been a few seconds until eventually her brain kicked back into action and she answered:

“Yeah. I- can you just walk with me?”

Mulder nodded, stepping close to the bed while she slowly swung her legs out and sat upright on its edge. She was still a little dizzy and needed to close her eyes for a moment to readjust to the change in position before she pushed herself off the mattress and reached for the IV pole for balance. Mulder was on her other side, his hand hovering just over the small of her back, ready to catch her should she threaten to fall. The perverse irony of his hand in that place, _his_ place, now there to guard her weakened body instead of assuring a capable partner wasn’t lost on Scully but she forced herself to ignore it. She was more unstable on her feet than she had thought, the pain meds leaving her lightheaded so her steps were slow and measured and even more so once she’d closed the bathroom door behind herself.

It took a ridiculous amount of time for the dizziness to lessen once she got back up from the toilet seat but eventually she had managed, washed her hands and unlocked the bathroom door where Mulder was immediately back at her side.

“You okay?” he asked, studying her face, “You look paler than a minute ago.”

Had he always been this observant?

“I’m okay,” she offered, tilting her head to look up at him, “Just lightheaded from the pain meds. It’s fine.”

She didn’t miss the raised eyebrow but she didn’t protest when instead of hovering, this time he looped his arm around her waist, providing stable support that made her sigh a little in relief. Sinking back down onto the bed eventually she curled up against the headpiece and closed her eyes to recover for a few moments.

The chair scraping over the linoleum floor told Scully Mulder had settled back in next to her. She blindly reached her hand towards him, comforted when he took it and interlaced their fingers once more.

Eventually opening her eyes, she offered him a smile. The embarrassment of needing help for something as simple as going to the bathroom still stung uncomfortably but he deserved a thank you.

“It’s okay. I’m here for you. Whatever you need, Scully.” 

Her eyes fell involuntarily at that and at once she was back at the brink of tears and of course, Mulder noticed.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” he inquired, his fingers rubbing softly over the back of her hand.

Scully couldn’t bring herself to meet his eyes again.

_Whatever you need_. The words tasted bitter on her tongue. Right now it might just be steadying her on the way to the bathroom. He hadn’t been there this morning. And what about her next two cycles of chemo during this 7-week radiation therapy? She’d been completely helpless earlier and it was only just the beginning of this whole treatment course. How would she feel after the next round of chemo? After her body had been shot with high-energy radiation for three weeks, how would she feel after another dose of IV poison? Actually, screw three weeks, how would she feel next week when her mouth and throat were already hurting so badly now? When would they put in the inevitable feeding tube? How long was she going to handle going back and forth between her mother’s and the hospital? How long would her mom be able to take care of her?

Scully felt her chest constricting as the questions kept coming. Gripping the comforter tightly, she couldn’t suppress a shiver even though she was suddenly feeling way too hot.

“Scully? Hey, look at me.”, Mulder’s voice sounded inexplicably far away but she turned towards him when he squeezed her hand tightly. She faintly recognized that she was quickly spiraling into an anxiety attack but felt unable to do anything against it. Her eyes flitted over Mulder’s face without really seeing it until he suddenly leaned in closer and brought his other hand to her cheek. With his hand cradling her face she was finally able to focus on him. She was met with unwavering warmth and care in his hazel eyes and slowly felt the building tension ebb back down, her fingers unfurling from their death grip on the sheets. The sounds of the hospital environment she hadn’t noticed had been missing returned and Scully suddenly felt shaken by the intensity this anxiety had reached so quickly. But Mulder’s eyes were still locked on hers and while they definitely reflected worry, they were also beautiful and honest and looking into them she felt words bubbling up she’d been too afraid to even really think before.

This was _Mulder_ , her best friend, her partner, the man she had been falling in love with for years.

The question eventually slipped past her lips without her conscious decision.

“Will I lose my dignity?”

She immediately bit her lip. She hadn’t meant to have this conversation with him. Maybe not with anyone. But it was out now and in the way Mulder’s expression journeyed from surprise to question as he dropped his hand from her cheek and sat back, she knew there was no use in trying to brush over it.

“Scully, what do you mean ‘will you lose your dignity’?” He asked. His whole manner had changed and Scully recognized that not only did she hold his full attention but he had now shifted into serious conversation mode. It was the same change that she witnessed so often when they were having midnight conversations in Motel rooms when in the middle of all sorts of banter the tiniest new thought had them back talking theories about whatever current case they were on.

How long would she still see that shift of his? When would the time come when instead of conversing with her there’d only be worthless assurances and updates on the weather outside the bed she wouldn’t be able to leave?

She felt her heart picking up its pace again and took a deep breath to try and not let her mind get away from her.

_Use your words, Dana,_ she thought to herself.

“Mulder, I’m sick,” she started stating the obvious and couldn’t help but fumble with the edge of the comforter as she sorted through how to speak her thoughts, “It’s the first week of this chemoradiation and I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself. And that’s now when I’m high on painkillers. This morning I-“

She broke off, choking on tears she hadn’t expected. Her throat protested but she breathed through it and continued:

“I’m going to get a whole lot worse before I might get better. It might be called treatment but essentially it’s poison. The cancer might die but-“ _I might do with it._ No! That was not where she was going. She took another breath. “I’ll be weak. I’ll need help. With- everything. I- Mulder, my throat hurts so bad already I don’t know how long I’ll be able to even swallow food. They’re going to have to put a feeding tube in eventually- I-”

She realized she was crying now but she’d started and suddenly all the things she’d been scared of came pouring out.

“I’ve worked in oncology during my residency- I’ve seen what this treatment can do to you. There’ll be days I can’t get out of bed and to the bathroom or even lift my head to not puke all over myself.”

She was out of breath and horrified by the half-sob that came out when she stopped to take in more air and suddenly she needed to see Mulder’s eyes again, needed them to ground her. She raised her head and searched his gaze and cried even harder when she was met with so much unconditional love he couldn’t possibly mean it.

“Today you’re still talking to me as the person you got to know for the past years,” she pushed herself to continue speaking through the tears, “but when I’m hardly me anymore, who will you see then? Will I be anything beyond a never-ending task of feeding and cleaning up?”

Her voice broke at that, her body shivering.

“I still want to be me, Mulder I still want to _feel_ like me. But people look at sick people differently. And I’m- I’m so scared of losing myself when no one sees _me_ anymore. I already lost our work and my strength and my body and- I’m just so scared”

She’d tapered off into a whisper and dropped her eyes back into her lap. Mulder’s hand was still holding hers and she suddenly felt like its heat was burning her skin yet she didn’t pull back.

“Scully”

His voice was so soft again and he was tugging on her hand but she refused to look up.

“Scully please look at me?”

She didn’t want to but there was a quality to his voice that confused her and so eventually she did raise her head.

Mulder was _crying_.

Her heart skipped several beats before resuming its rhythm but her mind wasn’t as fast to catch up. It didn’t have to though, because Mulder leaned in and brushed his other hand once again over her cheek, resting it there as he spoke:

“I promise you that I will always see _you_ , Scully. No matter how sick you get, no matter what you’ll need help with. You’re always going to be my beautiful, brilliant, badass partner Special Agent Dr. Scully.”

She choked on another sob and her eyes fell closed for a second as his words settled and raised goosebumps all over her skin. He was so close now she could feel his breath on her face and see the wet trail of tears on his cheeks. Almost unconsciously she reached out to trace her fingers over them.

“You’re crying,” she whispered, unable to concentrate on anything beyond that while they were this close.

Now, a tiny smile appeared on his lips as he huffed “Well, so were you”.

She didn’t quite manage a responding smile, but she tried.

“I just hate to see you hurting, Scully,” he breathed quietly, not drawing back, “I wish I could take it all away but I can’t. But I can promise you that nothing could ever change the way I see you. We’ve spent 4 years in that basement office. 4 years that you’ve disproved my theories with your unwavering rationalism and still dropped everything for each new case I present you. You’ve saved my life many times over. You _shot_ me to save my life. You’re my partner Scully, no cancer will ever change that. I’d love you even when you puke all over my shoes.”

Her heart had been beating almost painfully but now she snorted, the responding burning of her throat decisively ignored. She desperately wanted to believe him. They were still so close, she could see every line on his face and all the little speckles of brown in his eyes.

“You’re crying again, did I say the wrong thing?”

His thumb was brushing over her cheeks again and she realized her vision becoming blurrier than it had been but she shook her head.

“No, no you didn’t say the wrong thing,” she whispered, not trusting her voice not to break again.

She let her hand glide from his cheek to his neck and pulled him closer to her. He complied, letting go of her hand to wrap his arms around her instead, awkwardly moving in to sit on the edge of the bed. They shuffled around for a minute but eventually, she was warmly resting against his torso, his arms wrapped around her, providing her with a sense of safety and comfort she hadn’t felt in too long. Scully laid her head against his chest and listened to his heartbeat, its rhythm lulling her into a comfortable haze.

The whole world might turn against her but as long as Mulder’s arms were around her, she thought she could deal with just about everything. He was right when he said she’d shot him to save him. She needed to believe Mulder would fight everyone disrespecting her while she couldn’t argue for herself.

He did know her. Maybe like no one else had ever known her. Laying against his chest, safely shielded from the world for the moment she realized that instead of scaring her, the idea was the most comforting thing she could currently imagine.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Feedback is highly appreciated. This has taken me so much longer to write than I ever expected but I had this vision and wanted to get it right. I'm not sure if I did, but this is the closest I could get. I hope it somewhat conveys the powerful message of the original song.


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